Wednesday, March 15, 2006

If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts could tell...

Hello...welcome to my first blog. Or as the police will call it later "the warning signs". **Crickets** **Crickets**. Is this thing on?...Anyways, I don't know how to do this. Am I supposed to talk to the audience or just hammer away? Weird, I can remember saying that the first time I had sex. (I was 20).Well here goes, welcome to the crazy, don't say I didn't warn you...

I just got done watching Wonderland. I love that movie. I think it's because I love John Holmes so much. I wish I was alive in like the 70's so I could see all the cool porn and not this weird stuff they have on the computer nowadays. It's like "look, I'll take the free tour, but at least make it worth my while." I mean on all the free tours on these sites they show a girl in a bikini smiling. Whoa, wait a minute now, I mean wow a girl in a bikini!!! Come on! Then they're like, give us your credit card and we'll show you much better stuff. Sure pal because the girl on the tour page in sweats is just totally doing it for me. If I wanted that, I'd just go wake up the old lady. One thing about porn from the 70's and 80's that needs to come back is the characters. Like Johnny Wadd and all those other guys. Now there's no characters. It's's like,hey let's get this chick to come over to our apartment and do it with us...that'd be cool. No guys, it's not cool. I'd want to be Benny Bigballs or something. You know, something that's so obvious porn but like you wouldn't want to fight the guy either. I don't know though, porn seems like a lot of hard work. Thank you, I'm here all week...try the veal.

Speaking of hard work, I hate my job. It's not even hate anymore. Hate has no meaning now. It's like I would rather take old rusty nails and stick them in my fingers and light them on fire rather than go to work. I can't really describe how bad I hate my job. I've said it before and I'll say it a bunch more, I have idiots working for me. This guy uh...Bob ,yeah that's it Bob...anyways Bob really takes the cake. If there's an award for Moron of The Year, he's got it. No questions asked, no runner up, he's got it. I guess the first thing that made me nominate this douchebag(1 word?) is on the 2nd week he was working, I gave him a list of things to do. He looked at me and said, uh yeah, I don't really need any supervision. I'm just thinking to myself, oh buddy you don't know how much supervision you need. I asked him today at the end of his shift "Now Bob, is everything off of the floor? Everything has to be off of the floor so I can clean them." "Oh yeah, everything's off the floor." First aisle..tons of stock on the floor DAMN IT!! Now all the employees are taking bets up front to see where I throw things and punch the walls. JR's the big winner, he had 3-1 odds on the cooler. Bastard. Did you know an empty milk crate can dent a metal cooler door? News to me.

So speaking of a job...why the fuck won't anyone else hire me??? Oh my God. Seriously, my resume is awesome (stole it from my stepdad) so is my cover letter (also stolen from stepdad) so what the hell is people's problems. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I live in Asslick, Alaska. All these people are like sure buddy come out here for an interview, just hop right over here on the plane no big deal. And I'm thinking, you bastard you have no idea. I am stuck, just give me the job I'll be there. I don't even care anymore. I'm so desperate that the next time I send out resumes I'll have a cover letter that looks like this:

Dear Mr. Fistherbottom (Obviously this man's first name is Willie)

I've been looking for a job since I got the one I have now. I've gone to more colleges than my mom's gone to rehab clinics...well almost. With nothing to show for it except tuition bills that are sitting at collection agencies. All I want is a freaking job. I'll mow lawns, I'll shovel shit, I don't care!! I don't have any experience in this particular field, and yes I'll hang you out to dry the minute a better opportunity comes along but give me a chance. I won't be like these other guys. I won't come to work drunk, buzzed maybe, but not stinking drunk. You'll never have to wonder where I am. Because it's gonna be one of three, Strip Club, Bar or Jail. What do you think, just gimme a shot.

P.S. Do you guys match 401(k) or how does that work? Because, fuck I want to retire...soon.

Well it's been fun everyone and now I can say that I am no longer a blog virgin! Yay! Ow, my friends were right, it does hurt. Anyways...thanks! Goodnight Detroit, you guys were awesome!! Ever notice how when rock stars say goodnight to a town after a concert it's always somewhere cool and big? "Goodnight New York, good night Dallas"Screw that... with that in mind...

Good night Hoboken!!


Blogger Chris said...

Benny Bigballs? Uh. Yeah. Hey seriously. Funny stuff! Can I link to you from my site? Hugs to Kris for me. See ya'll in a month!

9:25 AM

Blogger Heather said...

Hi, I'm a friend of Chris and for your first post it was soooo funny. Keep them coming.

2:48 PM

Blogger llora said...

So... Benny Bigballs, this is your mother. About that rehab comment, don't you know I have never been in rehab. Being in rehab means you quit, right? Well, I'm no quitter by God. And furthermore, we wondered where your stepfather's resume went to.

P.S. Grandma is dead

5:51 PM

Blogger Tess said...

Dude - you kill me!

12:36 AM


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