Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I arrived in the country with clothing, US dollars and a jar of gypsy tears to protect me from AIDS.

Due to popular demand by uh...one person...I am back. I know it's been a while but I am really excited about tonight's post. I am here to announce the launch of my campaign "Going Red". Now, we've all heard about these liberal hippies with their "going green" demands. Such as I don't know, driving hybrids and not eating meat or something. Well, I am here to defend my right, our right, to contribute to the myth of global warming, or as I call it, another natural heating cycle of the earth. Now, you are probably asking yourself, self, I am just one person/wookie/transvestite, how can I make a difference? Well my friends, it's all those little things that you do that can really help.

Easy daily tips to increase your carbon footprint:

  • Take a longer, hotter shower.
  • Leave the water on while you brush your teeth
  • Blow-dry your hair
  • Dress comfortably while at home or the office, you can always turn the heat up, or the AC lower.
  • Speaking of heat, leave it really high in the winter, so it's like you're in the Caribbean and leave the AC on really cold in the summer so it feels like you've got a nice beach breeze
  • Running into the store for smokes? Smoke up Johnny and keep that SUV idling. Remember, your SUV craves Alaskan oil.
  • Did you just recycle that plastic bottle? Silly hippie, recycling is for the French. Throw that bottle in the garbage, and don't forget to flick your cigarette butt out onto the road.
  • Speaking of SUV, it's looking a little dirty. Let's pull into the gas station and get it washed.
There, now that's just a small sampling of ways to "Go Red" even before you get to work. If we all do our part, just imagine how much better this place will be!

Now onto other stuff. Kristen and I found out at our latest ultrasound that our child will be a boy! I've gotten all of his measurements so I can keep track of his throwing arm size and his legs to see how fast he will be. Other than that, it's the same old same old in good old Wisconsin. Still working, still broke, and still hating everyone (with some exceptions). I am excited for summer though. Nothing beats Brewers baseball, State Fair and Summerfest! All right everybody, have a good night, see you soon!


Friday, February 22, 2008

There's a place I like to hide, a doorway that I run through in the night

What's up people, only 9 days have gone by since my last blog. See I'm getting better at this thing. It's been really cold here, but no snow. It's actually starting to warm up, I think it might be 20 degrees out now. I watched a little bit of the NBA all star game last weekend. It's nice to see that they're letting some white guys play now. I was so bad at basketball, in school I used to get picked after the arabs. The "captain" would be like: ok I want Andre White (wink wink) DeMarco Brown, uh..Jose Hernadez, Ching Chang, Shekie Islamamama...and oh shit, ok I guess we'll take Waber too, since you guys don't want him. Oh well, it's good to see now we're getting back in the game. I'm not saying that white guys need to take over the sport, I'm just saying let's get a few more in there. One of the classes I take now is a science class up at the local "technical college". And by technical, they mean "Technically, we're a fucking joke of an institution, but we need money, and you need a degree, so let's make some bad decisions together." (I think I've heard that from girls in Kalamazoo before). I knew this place was going to be different when I first walked into the admissions office, sat down in an advisor's office, who could have won a Bobcat Goldwaith lookalike contest, and I look at him and say: Hello, I am interested in attending your school". Him: Blank Stare Me: "Ok, um, I am interested in attending your school" Him: Blank Stare (no, I swear I'm not making this up) Me: (Trying not to be phased by this) "Um, ok, I have transcripts, and I paid my application fee so I guess I just need to talk to you about what classes I need to take this semester for my major." Him:"Did you pay your application fee and send in your transcripts?" Me: "What day do you have off so I can try this again?". Come on people. Anyway, so one of my classes is a science class. And of course it is environmental science, so they talk about "global warming". Please motherfucker, it's been colder than a witch's titty this winter, and I don't just mean here in Wisconsin, I mean all over. I'll believe in global warming when I can sit outside in just my shorts and a t-shirt in mid January in Wisconsin and be able to find my pecker. Hippies, I'll believe in global warming when you guys start bathing. It's called the natural cycle of the earth folks! This shit has been going on since the Flying Spaghetti Monster (http://www.venganza.org) created the world. Oh, ok here's an idea: Every man with the last name Peterson who has a decent or hot wife needs to be rounded up and put in jail before they kill their wives. So far the Peterson's have 3 (i'm counting 2 of the cop's wifes). But I don't actually think Scott Peterson did it. He had a shitty lawyer, he was screwing some tramp that only wanted to extort money to get her own 'massage parlor' and finally they keep finding dead women in the same area they found his wife. Interesting. I want to drink again. I was at Sam's Club today and I saw Captain Morgan Private Stock Rum, and a whole bunch of other trouble making booze and I got all sentimental. Kristen wouldn't let me, something about my medication not working. I couldn't hear her, the voice in my head was telling me to grab that bottle of Bombay Sapphire because it was such a great sale. But in the end, Kristen won. Why? Because she's my wife, and she always gets to win. Except in bed, I always get to win, and win first, and win early. Sometimes Kristen gets to win...but I'm never home...Thank you, thank you very much. That's all I have for today kids...Love ya!


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Good morning America how are you? Don't you know me, I'm your native son

What's going on everybody? I'm so frickin' tired. It's either work or school for me, that's it. And I still have to take care of a pregnant wife and 2 dogs. We went to our first official doctor's appointment on Monday. It was awesome. We got to see the first ultrasound. That's one of the pictures above. I know the quality is bad, but whatever, it's still my kid. According to the ultrasound tech, the baby is a "little thumbsucker". Now this concerns me for 2 reasons. One, if the baby is a girl and likes to suck it's thumb, that might translate into her being uh friendlier to boys than her father approves and if it's a boy it might translate into him being uh..friendlier to boys than his father approves. But my wife reassured me that it's only a thumbsucker now because that's all it has to suck. Makes sense I guess. I started classes a week or so ago. They seem to be going ok. I told Kristen that school seems so much easier now because I'm not looking all around the room for chicks to hit on afterwards. I already have one woman to say no to me when I ask her for sex, and I married her. So that's definitely an improvement, maybe this time I'll actually finish a semester. I started another job too, in addition to the one I already have. I stock dairy and grocery at the local Pick and Save grocery store. So far it's pretty cool. I mean I have the experience and the knowledge, so it's pretty darn easy. Just a little something to supplement our income so the baby won't ever have to eat government cheese like it's daddy did. Oh, maybe the coolest thing, one of my old buddies from high school got in touch with me through facebook and he told me that a girl that we went to high school with, who was very smart, like 4.0 smart, went to Northwestern, started dating a drug dealer, got addicted to coke and now she strips at the Airport Lounge stripclub in Milwaukee. Oh I can't wait to see her. I'm bringing my paycheck. I guess that's pretty much it. I'll try to write more, but no promises because of my schedule.

Keep it sleazy!


Thursday, February 07, 2008

I hear you singing in the wire. I can hear you thru the whine. And the Wichita Lineman is still on the line.

Ok, so yeah, I've been gone a long time and whatever.So where have we been, what have we been doing? Well for starters, Kristen and I were married 9/9/06. Wow, I haven't written since august of 06. Wow. Anyways, the wedding was awesome and so was the honeymoon. I know I talk a lot of shit sometimes but we all know the truth, she has my balls in her purse and if I'm a good boy I get to have them once in a while. In July of '07 I quit my job as an Assistant Store Manager with Safeway for a lot of reasons, the main one being that I was getting no support from the corporate office oh yeah and they also wouldn't let me run the store I had been running because I wasn't old enough. So they let some other guy run it and I lost all my workers. Oh well, now I work for Target in Milwaukee, WI and Kristen is a child care provider who gets to deal with her nuttier than squirrel turds boss. I'm going back to school, trying to get my Bachelors in Supply Chain Management. But the biggest news, besides the wedding is that we're going to have a baby!!! Kristen is 11 weeks along as of today and we're frickin' excited! So other than moving, getting married, and making babies, that's pretty much it. It's good to be back! And now for the rants...

chase Bank(remember, I don't capitalize things I hate): In a nutshell, you guys suck. Definitely the worst bank I have ever had to deal with. How you've managed to stay in business so long baffles me. Your employees need customer service training, and your computer system needs to um oh let's see, uh not steal my money.

Let's analyze shall we?

Activity for ....

Transactions 1 - 32

Present Balance: ($56.35)

Search Transactions

Available Balance: ($56.35)



















DEPOSIT Deposit slip available for viewing (view)












Online Transfer: Service Fee




DEPOSIT ID NUMBER 375550 Deposit slip available for viewing (view)








Online Transfer 111645330 to Suntrust #########1617 transaction #: 111645330




DEPOSIT ID NUMBER 957894 Deposit slip available for viewing (view)



Ok, so as you can see on 1-31 at the end of the day, we had $350.44 available. We then transferred $340.00 of that to our Suntrust Bank account that we still have for some reason. Ok, that left us with $10.44. I used the card for $20 in gas, so basically 2 gallons, on the first. Then I realized over the weekend "Oh hell, I only meant to use $10". So on Monday, the 4th, Kristen put $14 to bring us back to positive. Ok, cool, end of story right? Ha, not with chase! On Monday the 4th they decided to charge me for the transfer of my money to the Suntrust account. Hmm, they couldn't have done that on the 1st when they transferred the money in the first place? Interesting! Ok, well thinking that we were gravy with $4.44 in the bank (keeping in mind that of course it takes 2-3 days for this stuff to show up on my online account) I needed some supplies for school. Just notebooks and folders to get ready for this semester. So I made sure to keep the total under $4.44 which I thought we had. I spent $3.90 which should have left us with 54 cents. Pathetic I know, but still...well then Kristen put $10 in the bank to try and cover us because of course we did not know about the overdraft fees yet. I then linked my ING savings account with chase, still not knowing my account was overdrawn. ING did their little test transfer, which is the 5 and 6 cents things and everything was cool. Well today, Thursday the 7th, I get up and go to chase bank's website. I see that my account is way overdrawn. I called and talked to Lillian Clayton, who I can assure you doesn't teach the aforementioned customer service classes that chase employees need. She assured me that this was not chase bank's oversight and that both of the overdraft fees were legit. I told her that I found it surprising that in chase's mission statement one of their goals was to get Ben Waber to kill himself. I never saw that in there before, but who am I to argue. So after I hung up on her, I decided to do a little research to see if maybe oh just maybe Big Brother Bank is right and I am wrong. Ok, even though I'm an honest man (well not really, but humor me) and a nice man (again please humor) I cannot see where chase bank can justify these charges. I made a mistake about the gas, oops sorry. I tried to cover it up on Monday. Now let me point out that if I use my debit card or withdraw any money, you bet your ass it comes out of my account within seconds. But if I put money in, or get money transferred, it takes days to show up online. So kind of my mistake, but I shouldn't have to pay an arm and a leg for a simple mistake. Plus I tried to fix it, it's not like I let it slide, and besides, I wouldn't have kept using the card if I had known they were going to charge me $32 every time I blinked. Oh, but don't worry, soon I'm going to be getting charged $6 a day for being overdrawn on my account. And even though they won't start until today or tomorrow, they'll still backtrack it to charge me $6 from the time I originally was overdrawn. Look, bottom line is I shouldn't have to pay eventually almost $100 bucks for a $20 tank of gas. That shouldn't have to happen until the damn democrats take over hehehe. Moving on...

directv...oh sweet television, how I love you so, and with the 50 inches of pure high definition bliss that oozes out of your sexy gray and black body it makes me wonder how I ever lived without you. Ok, when we moved to Wisconsin (remember I'll catch everyone up shortly), we signed up for time warner cable. We got tv, internet, and phone for like $150. I know that sucks, but anyway...so a couple of weeks ago directv sends me this awesome e-mail saying how they've missed us as customers and if we come back they have a rockin' sweet deal for us. Well they know how to win me over, just say rockin' sweet deal and tv in the same sentence and I'm on it. So I sign up for it. Step 2 is asking my wife if it's ok...notice that asking is step 2. With my wife Kristen, it's easier to just go ahead and do it first then ask/explain/apologize/pay the hooker/cancel the service etc. So after I get everything all set up with directv, I call my beautiful wife and ask her if I can switch back to directv. I receive her blessing as long as with tv, internet and phone, it is cheaper than time warner. I assure her, truthfully by the way, that it is. The deal I am offered is this: Plus Package DVR for $39.99 since I have an HDTV, I would also like the HD package. No problem I am assured, for an extra $9.99 a month, I have all the HD my eyes can handle. But wait, it gets better, this nice gentleman gives me a new dish, and a new HD DVR AND a rebate on the HD programming so that my bill will only be $39.98 a month. Great success! Ha, it was not to be. I get the dish, the receiver, which I installed all by myself because Mr. Crosseyed over at premier communications didn't want to install it for me because it was too cold...wah. So I get everything hooked up, and I'm ready and oh baby here it comes channel surfing time and...nothing! "Please call customer service Message 711" is on my screen. So I talk to customer service and he tells me that not only was I never signed up for any service, but he can't give me those channels at those rates because he doesn't know the e-mail I am talking about. So I e-mail their service center and we're still waiting.

vonage...oh vonage you make things so hard don't you. I have an existing phone number, I have DSL, I want to go to vonage because it's so much cheaper. No problem I am assured. But by now I realize that no problem is customer service code for "there's going to be so many problems with the simple transaction I am about to perform that you are going to start drinking and call me the dreaded c-word within a week's time". Ok, vonage simple task #1: Take my time warner cable phone number we'll call it 414-123-4567 and make it yours. No can do Mr. Waber, because it's already been canceled. Ok vonage, let's try this: Take my DSL phone number, we'll call it 414-123-1111 and make that one yours. Ok, Mr. Waber, you're all set your vonage phone number is 414-123-1111. Excellent. Tick tock, tick tock, oh wait, now Mr. Waber can't sign on to the goddamn internet because the DSL number that vonage took was the only number that AT&T DSL knew to connect to. It's ok, I'm working on conversation #3 with Shekie Ihateamericans to fix the problem. Hmm...

Later everyone...next time will be shorter!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

On the boats and planes, they're coming to America, never looking back again, they're coming to America

Hey folks, been a long time, I'm back for a minute to talk to you about some stories that I've seen floating around on the internet the past couple days. The first one is from cnn.com, an awesome site for news. It says "egyptian students disappear in the U.S.," yes I know I didn't capitalize egypt, I don't capitalize countries that hate America, so basically I don't capitalize any country. Anyways, I put a link to the story here, but I'll sum it up for you. http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/08/08/egyptian.students/index.html Basically 11 students that entered the US on valid student visas, who were supposed to show up at Montana State University for Moses knows what, disappeared. They never showed up, blah blah blah. Um...yeah no shit they never showed up, they got to New York and said sweet, now we continue osama's work. You know if I was the government, I would be shitting my pants right about now. "Uh yeah we've got 11 egyptian muslims on the loose somewhere in the US but no big deal." Bull. Shut down the airports, shutdown the highways, search every frickin' house and find these idiots, I'll help. I mean, what do you think happened? Do you really think that they "forgot to go to Montana for school". They had this planned from day one. I'm telling you right now, if we don't find these guys now, we're gonna pay for it later.

#2 Um, at the risk of being called a racist, although we've had this discussion before and remember I'm a selective racist. I only hate certain races and usually not all of that particular race. For instance, I don't hate blacks, I don't hate mexicans or germans, or Jews or pollacks or blondes, or hot lesbians. But anyways...why isn't the middle east a huge gas station yet??? I'm getting impatient. It's not because gas is $3.15 a gallon and it's definitely not because my ancestors are kicking hez(no)ball's ass. I figure 2 or 3 nukes would solve the problem. That's not even tapping into our arsenal. The president wouldn't even break a sweat. Shit, he could launch 3 nukes from Crawford, TX probably. There's probably 3 nukes aboard air force 1. This is my plan. I call it....Ben's Plan.

1) Get all of our soldiers out of the middle east.
2) Get all American civilians out of the middle east.
3) Relocate the Jews somewhere like Miami or the Chicago lakefront, you know, anywhere where there's already a shitload of them anyways and no one will notice.
4) Drop nukes on iraq, iran, syria, lebanon, north korea, egypt (basically all of the middle east, except for united arab emirates they have those cool buildings in dubai, but rename the country united non-arab emirates.)
5) Wait 5 days, check for survivors. If there are any, repeat step 4.
6) Wait for the clouds to clear, then start pumping that oil baby.

That's all I have...I anxiously await the hate mail!

Monday, July 10, 2006

He's gonna make it to a Benz out of that Datsun, he's got that ambition baby look in his eyes, this week he's mopping floors, next week it's the fries

Damn, I had a birthday the other day. I hate getting older. I'm 23. Do you know what that means? That means half of my life is over already. I haven't even done anything worthwhile yet. Oh well, maybe I'll get there someday. Just a couple of things today. First, I realized that it's only 2 months until I get married. Now, this concerns me just a little bit. It's not the whole "I'm never gonna be with another woman again" thing. Trust me, it was hard enough to find one girl dumb enough to have sex with me, I'm really not thinking that there's two out there. So that's not the issue. The issue is the whole being a guy thing I guess. When I met my future old lady, I lived in a place that had a stack of pizza boxes as a coffee table and huge stolen orange barrels as end tables. I think I had a bed, but I'm not sure. I had a couch, but it was pretty rough. The thing of it is, I liked that. I liked having to wear shoes to walk around in my place so you didn't step on broken glass. I liked the fact that at my old place you felt dirtier after taking a shower. But now I am pretty organized, well she is anyway. It's really strange. Everything has a place and our bed has sheets and they actually match, pillows and all! I think I had my He-Man sheet set until I was 19 or so (those piss stains from being a little kid, OK fine nervous teen, were hard to remove). We have silverware that wasn't stolen little by little from my parents. My lips and tongue don't bleed when I take a drink from a glass anymore. I guess change can be good, but I still want an apartment in the city that I can leave filthy and have posters of naked ladies at. Kristen made me take the ones in our living room down, shortly after her mother arrived for a visit. Oh, and how many damn towels do we need hanging on the rack? There's like 7 and they all are different sizes. Tip: Don't try drying with the smallest one, it takes forever. Weird.

Last thing! Where the hell was I when this organic food thing hit? And who the hell do I kill for it? Now for those of you who don't know, organic food is this new craze that people are eating because it's all natural. The food hasn't been treated with pesticides and stuff, I guess, I don't really know. All I know is that in the D.C. area where I live, it is like crack for rich white people. I should start dealing organic milk on the street after hours, I'd make a killing. It's not so much the concept I hate, well yeah it is, but it's more so the consumers of the organic food. See, it doesn't stop at milk or eggs or what have you. There are organic cookies, cereal, fruit, peanut butter. I'm still waiting for organic liquor, I'm sure that's coming. Now customers that are in search of these products (I work at a grocery store so I know) are crazy. Not some of them, I'm gonna do what I do best and generalize...all of them are crazy. If they don't have their organic food, they just don't know what to do. I love it when I'm out of something that is organic and there's only one kind of organic variety. I'll suggest the "non organic national brand" and watch them freak out. It's like offering methadone to a heroin addict. Same concept, but only useful in rehab. "I'm sorry sir we don't have any of the organic potato chips, might I suggest this bag of cool ranch doritos?" "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Fucker. Speaking of sir, the whole thing of men eating organics drives me freaking insane. You are a man for Moses sake. Eat a damn steak or burger or something. Come on! The next guy I see with organic alfalfa(sp?) sprouts, organic milk and "cage free chicken" organic eggs, I will ask him to leave and come back when he has his testicles. People who know me, you know I hate many things, such as my life, traffic, people in general well you can bump organic food to the top of the list. Now make me a damn steak, bloody as hell. If the vet can save it, it's too done. It better be mooing at me when you bring it out and I stab it with my knife. I'm outta here, don't send me presents, I'm too depressed.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Can't be too careful with your company, I can feel the devil walking next to me

Alright, I don't want to take the time to update everyone on what's happened since I last wrote, but here's all you need to know. Every man has his boiling point. I finally reached mine with the company I work for. So Kristen and I left. Yup just vanished into thin air, you know, kind of like how I used to leave girls apartments in college, in the middle of the night, quietly... I learned a valuable lesson throughout this though. I worked for almost two years for a job/company/place that I couldn't stand. The Ben that I know wouldn't have tolerated that shit for so long. Here's some of the things I learned:

1) Maybe the most important: People/companies would much rather fuck you over than tell you the truth or be your friend.

2) Companies suck. You know, a lot of people hate their job. Hell I hate the new one I have now already, but when the company you work for bends you over without a reach around courtesy, that's just not cool. Hey companies, yeah you're big and mean and scary and have lots of money but you know what, tell your fucking employees the truth, treat people with respect and maybe you'll see the results you want. (Oh wait, be satisfied with the current numbers...that wouldn't happen)

3) Money isn't everything. Yeah, it's important, and nice to have, but health, friends, family and drugs...I mean uh music...yeah, that's more important.

4) Life's too short. I'm not gonna fuck around anymore. I'm getting old (almost 23, but we won't talk about that). You know, one day I'm gonna turn into my old man and all the issues that I currently discuss with my therapist won't matter because I'll be experiencing them for myself. If I want something, I'm gonna take it. If you piss me off, I'll call you a douchebag. (Just ask Kristen about my road rage) Screw it, screw you, what have you done for me?

That's about it for what I've learned so far. I got a job, so stop worrying about me mom (but do keep sending those checks). I wanted to get personalized license plates that said H8NLIFE but Kristen put the Kai bosh ? on that. Oh yeah, we're in Virginia now. Not the like incest part of the state, but the part near D.C. and Maryland. But if anybody had warned me that Kristen and I would be the only whites around, I would have rethought my options. Am I in America? I swear to moses I'm either in mexico or arabia depending on what services I need...pool cleaned, definitely mexico...need gas? definitely arabia.

All right, off to bed. Donde esta la Bano? Damn I'm getting good at Spanish. Arabic, I'm not so good at...Sim sim saima bimn...no wait, that's Hadji from Johnny Quest