Tuesday, March 28, 2006

First they say they want you, oh how they really need you, suddenly you find you're out there, walkin' in a storm...we all know the song...

For those of you that know me, you all know that I pull a lot of inspiration out of classic movies and music. In fact, my blog post titles are either song or movie lyrics. Can you name them all...it's a contest. But anyways, I was thinking today about how life can get you down and make you feel bad and whatever. Then, I found the inspiration we all need. You'll love it:

Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights "You've Got The Touch" (Selected Lyrics)

You've got the touch, you've got the power. (Awesome Guitar Riff :-)
After all is said and done, you never walk, you never run
You're a winner!
You've got the moves, you know the street
You break the rules, you take the heat
You're nobody's fool!
You're at your best when the going get rough
You've been put to the test but it's never enough.

Wow, maybe I really do have the touch.

So for those of you keeping score at home. I've been looking for a job for quite some time now. Here's a brief summary of my progress so far.

Resumes sent in the past 3 weeks (E-mail, Fax, or Mail).............89 (this does not include the accidental forward of my Dad's forward letter to that one Human Resources lady. And judging by the content in the forward I sent, I won't be hearing from her anytime soon anyway)P.S. No, I am not dumb enough to use my company's fax machine, I highly recommend www.efax.com

Calls received in the past 3 weeks from prospective employers.....0 (That's right, Zero!)

E-Mails received from interested prospective employers.............4

Number of aforementioned e-mails inquiring when I will be relocating to their area......4

Number of sips left in bottle of Rum in Kitchen Cabinet.............3

Number of Bullets left in my .357 Magnum..........................6, but stay tuned.

Well, that's it for now...until next time, Good Night, and Good Luck (decent movie)


Friday, March 24, 2006

You're dealing with an expert in guerilla warfare. He's the best with a gun, a knife and his bare hands.He was trained to ignore pain and the weather.

Wait a minute, wait a minute let me see if I get this straight. Illegal immigrants are mad because the government wants to make it a crime for them to be here illegally? Now, I'm just a little bit confused. I'll tread lightly on this subject for fear of being called a racist. Hell, I'm called that every day at work anyway. So here is a paragraph, straight from cnn. com:
"Congress is considering bills that would make it a felony to be in the United States illegally, impose new penalties on employers who hire illegal immigrants and erect fences along one-third of the U.S.-Mexican border. The proposals have angered many Hispanics."

Uh...am I missing where this is a bad thing? Well, it's a bad thing for baseball, where will they get all the talent now? Anywhere else they find out you're there illegally, they ship your ass back home, that's if you're lucky. How hard is it to go to your local i don't know legalization office or something and say hey, I'd like to be an American citizen? I'm not racist, I don't have a problem with Mexicans, Cubans or any ~ans but if you're here illegally and can't get the services you want, well boo frickin' hoo. Get the hell out. Jeez.

I love the news.

Stay tuned.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

I'm not gonna lie, I won't be a gentleman. Behind the boathouse, I'll show you my dark secret

It's 20 degrees below zero right now. It's so freaking cold. There's like a note where my balls used to be. The note said something about packing up and leaving, be back around summer. The thing about cold like this is it's not just regular cold. I'm not thinking "oh it's cold and that sucks". No, I'm thinking "gee it's so freaking cold that I'd love to hang myself but I bet the rope would snap from the cold before I even put the noose around my neck. And on top of that you've got the wind. So here it is, 20 below and then the wind starts blowing. And here it's not like 5 miles an hour. Oh no, when it's 20 below that damn wind just has to blow 20 to 30 miles an hour. How did I get so lucky. God, what happened to my life goal of after high school just living in the Carribean smoking pot with the locals, drinking rum, sleeping until noon and bartending at night? How the hell did I end up here. I gotta tell you, I'm only 22, but some days I feel like an old man. All I do is get up and go to work at a job I can't stand, in a place I don't want to be. I can hear my Dad's voice saying "Aww quit your bitchin' and make me another Tanqueray and Tonic."...yes sir :-( But I'd rather live here than live with my Dad and Stepmom. Ok, I'd rather live on the floor of a manure factory than live with my parents again. So maybe I should listen to my dad, after all I do love a good Tanqueray and tonic!

I like Hillary Swank again. I didn't there for a while. Howard said something about how he couldn't get past the whole Hillary Swank in Boys Don't Cry thing and he had a hell of a point. I mean she played a hell of a convincing boy. But then I saw Million Dollar Baby and The Next Karate Kid and I gotta tell you, she's hot again in my book. How old was she in Karate Kid? Because she was really hot there, uh, unless she was 14 or something... then she wasn't.

I wish I was in Hollywood. I think I'd be ok. I'd be like that guy who was an actor but totally commuted back to the real world and lived a normal life. Ok ok when I wasn't banging celebrities and getting blow from them. Plus I'd go to like colleges (ok fine high schools) and stuff and try to fit in just to get hot young girls who weren't famous. "Didn't I see you in Rocky 6?" "Uh yeah baby, let's go back to your dorm room (ok parent's house) and talk about it"

It's NCAA basketball tournament time. This is the only time I become crazily obsessed with college basketball. I was watching ESPN and I saw highlights of the girls tourney andthere are some hot chicks playing basketball nowadays. Back in high school the only girls who played basketball were the scary closet lesbians...and my ex-girlfriend, oh wait a minute...

Remember I love you all and I will write soon

Go Wichita State


"I'm gonna call my therapist and say I've got a whole new bag of issues, we can forget about mom for a while"

When my parents were doing it, do you think they ever thought they'd create something so scary looking? Hey it's a contest "Who can have the ugliest weirdest looking dork kid??"...Ding Ding Ding, Lora and Eric, see what you've won....It's a new car....

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts could tell...

Hello...welcome to my first blog. Or as the police will call it later "the warning signs". **Crickets** **Crickets**. Is this thing on?...Anyways, I don't know how to do this. Am I supposed to talk to the audience or just hammer away? Weird, I can remember saying that the first time I had sex. (I was 20).Well here goes, welcome to the crazy, don't say I didn't warn you...

I just got done watching Wonderland. I love that movie. I think it's because I love John Holmes so much. I wish I was alive in like the 70's so I could see all the cool porn and not this weird stuff they have on the computer nowadays. It's like "look, I'll take the free tour, but at least make it worth my while." I mean on all the free tours on these sites they show a girl in a bikini smiling. Whoa, wait a minute now, I mean wow a girl in a bikini!!! Come on! Then they're like, give us your credit card and we'll show you much better stuff. Sure pal because the girl on the tour page in sweats is just totally doing it for me. If I wanted that, I'd just go wake up the old lady. One thing about porn from the 70's and 80's that needs to come back is the characters. Like Johnny Wadd and all those other guys. Now there's no characters. It's dumb...it's like,hey let's get this chick to come over to our apartment and do it with us...that'd be cool. No guys, it's not cool. I'd want to be Benny Bigballs or something. You know, something that's so obvious porn but like you wouldn't want to fight the guy either. I don't know though, porn seems like a lot of hard work. Thank you, I'm here all week...try the veal.

Speaking of hard work, I hate my job. It's not even hate anymore. Hate has no meaning now. It's like I would rather take old rusty nails and stick them in my fingers and light them on fire rather than go to work. I can't really describe how bad I hate my job. I've said it before and I'll say it a bunch more, I have idiots working for me. This guy uh...Bob ,yeah that's it Bob...anyways Bob really takes the cake. If there's an award for Moron of The Year, he's got it. No questions asked, no runner up, he's got it. I guess the first thing that made me nominate this douchebag(1 word?) is on the 2nd week he was working, I gave him a list of things to do. He looked at me and said, uh yeah, I don't really need any supervision. I'm just thinking to myself, oh buddy you don't know how much supervision you need. I asked him today at the end of his shift "Now Bob, is everything off of the floor? Everything has to be off of the floor so I can clean them." "Oh yeah, everything's off the floor." First aisle..tons of stock on the floor DAMN IT!! Now all the employees are taking bets up front to see where I throw things and punch the walls. JR's the big winner, he had 3-1 odds on the cooler. Bastard. Did you know an empty milk crate can dent a metal cooler door? News to me.

So speaking of a job...why the fuck won't anyone else hire me??? Oh my God. Seriously, my resume is awesome (stole it from my stepdad) so is my cover letter (also stolen from stepdad) so what the hell is people's problems. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I live in Asslick, Alaska. All these people are like sure buddy come out here for an interview, just hop right over here on the plane no big deal. And I'm thinking, you bastard you have no idea. I am stuck, just give me the job I'll be there. I don't even care anymore. I'm so desperate that the next time I send out resumes I'll have a cover letter that looks like this:

Dear Mr. Fistherbottom (Obviously this man's first name is Willie)

I've been looking for a job since I got the one I have now. I've gone to more colleges than my mom's gone to rehab clinics...well almost. With nothing to show for it except tuition bills that are sitting at collection agencies. All I want is a freaking job. I'll mow lawns, I'll shovel shit, I don't care!! I don't have any experience in this particular field, and yes I'll hang you out to dry the minute a better opportunity comes along but give me a chance. I won't be like these other guys. I won't come to work drunk, buzzed maybe, but not stinking drunk. You'll never have to wonder where I am. Because it's gonna be one of three, Strip Club, Bar or Jail. What do you think, just gimme a shot.

P.S. Do you guys match 401(k) or how does that work? Because, fuck I want to retire...soon.

Well it's been fun everyone and now I can say that I am no longer a blog virgin! Yay! Ow, my friends were right, it does hurt. Anyways...thanks! Goodnight Detroit, you guys were awesome!! Ever notice how when rock stars say goodnight to a town after a concert it's always somewhere cool and big? "Goodnight New York, good night Dallas"Screw that... with that in mind...

Good night Hoboken!!